by Darren Birks.
According to the ONS, nearly double the amount of people died falling downstairs than they did from Coronavirus in 2020. This shocking statistic means that SAGE will have little or no option but to ban staircases completely to stem the growing tide of stair-related deaths, not to mention ensuring the NHS isn't overwhelmed with stair-related injuries.
At this time of the year emergency departments are full of old ladies who have fallen downstairs, ending up in huge heaps of pink fluffy slippers and Werther's Originals. 2 people fell downstairs on Tuesday whilst 3 did yesterday. That is a 50% increase in just 24 hours. Neil Ferguson will write to world leaders stating that, if this trend continues, everyone on earth will have died from falling downstairs at least twice by Christmas.
Expect SAGE experts to extend the Health Act to include mandating we all live in Bungalows by 2023. After 2023 anyone caught with a staircase in their home will be detained under said 'Health Act.'
Before the health policy announcement expect Chris Whitty, Patrick Vallance and Neil Ferguson to buy shares in Taylor Wimpey and Barratt Homes. The BBC to run endless stories about the dangers of stairs on the One Show, and Holby City, Eastenders and Balamory all to feature stair-falling storylines.
Those who go up and down stairs every day, refusing to fall down them, will be designated 'conspiracy theorists' whilst those already in bungalows will be told they still have to comply with Health Mandates for fear that they may have an Asymptomatic staircase. They may well be going up and downstairs and not even know it.
In 2022 there will be a sudden and dramatic increase in stair-falling as the Government start to count every step contained within a property as a 'case', and every death counted as a staircase fall if the person died within twenty eight days of walking up one.
Facebook will begin a purge of anyone posting comments that they'd safely negotiated a flight of stairs without incident, and anyone videoing themselves running up and down stairs without so much as a trip or stumble will be breaching their rules on 'misinformation'.
Scientists will rush out papers proving that stairs represent the biggest risk to humanity since the Black Death following their simulated study using a Slinky and a batch of Rhesus Monkeys fired down a flight of stairs using a canon. After the experiment 100% of Rhesus Monkeys were observed to have died, several unrecognisable due to the velocity they reached the bottom at. Results of the study proof that stairs kill 100% of the time.
Some chancer will tell the World Health Organisation that he has created a reliable test that can tell if you have a staircase even if you thought you lived in a bungalow, whilst millions of menopausal women will put a frame around their profile picture announcing to the world '"I've got my bungalow'."
Everyone will be mandated to wear those padded crash-helmets once only given to kids in Sunshine coaches, the government will mandate them in shops and offices just in case there are some Asymptomatic cases.
Handrails and bannisters will be reclassified as 'ineffective' against staircase descending and, what is more, scientists will insist they have never been used in conjunction with staircases, anywhere, ever. Copies of old Wicks catalogues will be expunged from the internet and Handy Andy will meet with a mysterious death for claiming he remembers installing one in 1986. Fact checkers confirm that neither Wicks, B&Q or Homebase have ever sold bannisters whilst old episodes of DIY SOS will remain untouched but reclassified as science-fiction.
As the population begins to realise that they're being conned, scientists will claim they've found new variants. A spiral staircase made of cast-iron has 'many features that are different from the standard variant' and so must be more deadly.
Patrick Vallance will say that "the dangers of taking the escalator cannot be overstated".
Kirsty Allsop and Kevin McCloud will be designated 'superspreaders' .
The public will be made to purchase a new bungalow every 3 months as protection against staircases begins to wane over time. The pedometer on your smartphone will become part of a digital passport able to detect if you're running a flight of stairs that will ping those around you informing them exactly what you've done, the government will secretly be informed as well.
Know-it-alls on Facebook will troll anyone who quotes facts and figures on staircase deaths, demanding to know if they are a "qualified builder", if it turns out they are, they'll revert to name calling and laughing icons. Middle aged women will suggest that they know loads of people who have died from falling downstairs, and that anyone who claims otherwise should be denied treatment on the NHS.
By Christmas people will actually want to throw themselves downstairs rather than face any more of this shit.